What a life

I always have the worst time starting out these posts. I never know how to start or what to say, so this is how I'll start.

Girls are so fucking awesome. I love meeting them, talking and interacting with them, and doing what humans do with each other. I love being with my friends, and living our lives together. It seems to take the edge off of what life is, and the struggles and difficulties that you go through daily. If I didn't have my friends there for me, I don't know what I would do. I'd most likely be a huge mess, or in prison/jail. Every time I'm with friends, we evolve together as a group. The thoughts that we come up with and the laughter that we endure, is the greatest thing on this earth.

No matter how cliche it sounds, and I hate being that more than anything... your friends are really what counts in this world. You are who you hang around.

A note to myself when being around women. Never tell them what a piece of shit you are, no matter what mind state you're in. I think it's better just to not talk to that cute girl that you've had your eye on at all, rather than go up to them when you've been out of your mind for the last few days, high on drugs, and trying to make them feel sorry for you or 'something'. "hey yea I relapsed on drugs, and I feel like shit right now, and I hate my self physically and spiritually, but.... do you want to go on a date?" haha funny joke. no actually that's the reality of this bullshit addiction.

I'm over writing anymore right now, not in a good state of mind... maybe I'll update this later this week.

Just a Struggle

Is life just one big struggle, to make it to the top and achieve all our greatest desires.

I haven't written a blog in a long time, my life has had some just chaos lately. I just go out of jail for the second time a few months ago. It was really horrible, and would never like to go back, ever. I feel like I've had a huge set back.

The cards are stacked against him, and sometimes hope seems like nothing but just a glimmer in the sea. Sometimes he feels like he won't ever make, but he keeps trying... trying because that's his only choice. Failure or success, there is no in between. The greatest things that he strives for, he want's nothing more that what he imagines and he won't stop until his dreams become reality.

Why does it have to be so fucking difficult. Now the stones are laid in front of you in a neat little pathway, and all you have to do is hop to each one. But those fucking stones get small and the gaps become impossible to cross, so then you have to figure out a way to make it across.

Update

Wow, it's been a while since I've updated my blog. I wrote in my personal journal the othernight because I couldn't fall asleep and thought writing would be the only thing to get some things off my mind, and actually it helped because I don't remember much after laying down and closing my eyes.

Smile

Everyone is on my team

Pleasure

Those are 3 big things in life, I'm always trying to improve myself and that's what life is about, self-improvement.

If you walk into a club and start smiling at everyone you know and don't know I'm sure people arn't going to be able to help them selves but smile back. Smiling is contagious and it only sets the mood that you're playful and fun when meeting people. They think 'this guy is smiling really big, he must be happy about something' and then they proceed to want to share this laughter with you and find out why your smiling. I think it's a good tactic for getting alone with people and meeting people.

You also can't have the 'Us vs. them' mind state. So many people, especially when you go to the club or bar or really anywhere have this mind state when it's you vs. the other guys. That's a very hindering mindstate and everyone needs to escape that. You want to have the mindstate that everyone is on your team. If you think like this, then you will never be judging people or trying to fight them or anything. Along with smiling and just trying to have a genuine experience where you share laughter and happy emotions with other people is a perfect mix for life.

Everyone on our team and smiling makes for pleasure. If you can learn to just go through life with pleasure and not having a care really in the world, life would be so much easier..... it's really hot in my room (lol random I know).

But have pleasure in everything you do and never try to focus on anything to much. Get a laugh out of what you want and just try to have fun, this is such a big part of life and I wish I could just be like this all the time because then I think life would just always pretty much be fun. And when you seem like you're enjoying yourself and everything you do then other people notice that. They see that your having pleasure in what ever you're doing and they want to join in and have pleasure too. If they have pleasure and you have pleasure and you come together it forms the ultimate explosion of joyfulness.

Right now I am in a state of pleasure, even though I'm really fucking hot and my nose is bugging me I'm in pleasure.... but it's really hot, but hey ill just go outside for a min and cool down- fixes that right away.

Anyways maybe tomorrow I'll write about my club experiences from last weekend. My first time out to any bar or club!!! It was really fun even though I got blown out on a set of girls reallllly bad. But I learned alot from it, like being nice to people LOL.. maybe that's why my blog post is centered around pleasure and everyone being on your team, trust and being nice... people arn't usually out to get you. They just wanna have fun too.

OK I'm out, peace.

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Weekends Home Alone

Parents are gone for the weekend! Actually my entire family has let all their houses for the weekend to go to the races in Havasu on Valentines day weekend. I thought about going, but since CWP ended this last week, all I wanted to do was just stay home and enjoy a nice weekend to myself. I think I really deserve it after everything I've gone through in the last 9 months or so.

CWP ended, well the first half at least and I hope that I can get the next 6 months that I have to do dropped by the judge. I have a good defence all planned out for when I go into court next time to get all this shit straightened out. It's been relaxing has hell not having to go to CWP, and I'm catching up on many hours of lost sleep. Working for the government without pay, is literally the equivalent to slave labor back in the early days of America. Although I wouldn't recommend comparing this to a black man as he will beg to differ....

I'm still working on project become a best and it's going over very nicely, I'm beginning to notice some nice results over the last month going 3-4 times a week. Actually I'm about out the door to the gym right now, but I thought my blog deserved a check up.

My future outlook right now is a bit hazy, I really don't know what the future holds. I don't know where I'll be in the next month, or even next week right now. My life is just shifting with the sands and the tides, and the only thing I can do is just go with the flow for right now. Sometimes you gotta bust outta the flow and kick some sand up, which will be me going to court... but yet I don't even know when that's going to happen. So for now, I'm just going to enjoy my super long weekend and the unknown amount of time off of slave labor that I have.

School is going well, my teacher is super mellow and the kids in class or just the same old college kids that you would expect to see at any college. I'm pissed that there is only one really good looking girl in my class and seems like a bit of a ditz, but that's a whole nother story. 

Life gets better all the time, and actually comes in waves. I sort of imagine a graph and my life is slowly increasing towards the positive end. It's up and down still, but the over all spectrum of my life is always increasing, even though it is up and down.... Like my downs now are way better than my positives ever were 6 months ago, it's kind of weird how shit like that happens.

The one thing I just want to say and it's a bit sporadic but kind of on this life topic thing. You can't give a shit what people think about you. You want to be the prize in life, and as david deangelo says it, "this is my reality and you're a guest in it". By having this reality that is only yours you let go of every one elses and not give a fuck about theirs. Your life YOUR LIFE and no body elses. You do things the way you want to do it, and how you think it should be done, do it with swagger, confidence, pride, happiness, and complete lack of caring what others think about you. 

I try not to care, but sometimes get stuck in my head thinking many negative emotions. Self-defeating thoughts. If I can stay positive all the time and not care what others think, then I feel that is truely a life worth living.

L.I.F.E.

Been really busy lately, going to the gym and working on my phsique. I've been lifting weights 3-4 times a week and trying to run at least a mile on the treadmill everytime, except I haven't been making it quite to a mile lately. I always crap out at around .9 miles, but maybe it's because I'm running it at 8-9 speed on average. Anyways I'm going to start shooting for no less than a mile every time I go, I think cardio is important for my body.

Fuck I bought another pack of cigarettes, doh! It's been probably almost two months since I have before. I don't know what got into me, but I've really been craving nicotine. I haven't had any money lately and I've had $5 kickin around in my wallet for the last week or so. I haven't really had much money lately and with limit cash flow I have to chose between beer or cigarettes, and everyone knows what I'd probably prefer.

I watched a video about happiness today described by a Molecular Biologist Tibetian Monk guy from France.... that's a mouth full. But he was very interesting and I'll add the link to him at the end of this entry. He talked about how you need to learn to control your mind, and let things like anger just pass by your mind likes clouds floating in the sky with out leaving a trail. Just let it come to you, and let it leave. That's like exactly how I treat anger, and I always have for many years now. I don't know how I learned it but just one day I decided that being angry was stupid and usually meaningless... maybe it was all the people I saw getting dramatic over the smallest things in life. Sometimes anger is justifiable though, but not always the healthiest.

He also described anger like looking at a storm cloud, but when you get to the cloud it's just mist. Meaning that you can be angry about the way something seems, but when you really get to the logistics of it, it's not so bad. One more quote, not from him but he quoted another guy on this, happiness is 'the one that helps him self is looking for the cessation of suffering' or something very close to that. I interpret that as if you have many hobbies and do things you try to enjoy, and try to do everything with motivation and drive, do everything like it's the first thing you've ever done. The person that looks to improve himself in every way possible, that is someone trying to become happy.

But, if someone believes that they need everything to be happy, then they will never be happy. As soon as one of those things falls off, the person is no longer happy because he doesn't have everything. We are just humans in this gigantic world, trying to control everything is not possible, we can only control so much.

The video was very inspiring, and the pictures at the end of the slide show really made me feel compassion the way that he tried to describe.

I think I'm gonna go try to meditate, and think happy compassionate thoughts. Thoughts that everything and everyone can be loving and warm. Maybe I'll make me feel happier? I don't know it's worth a try, and the next time I post I'll let you know how it goes.

Writers Never Die

Writers never die, so this time I'm gonna sit here and try... (haha)

This time I'm going to identify the obstacles
so I can steady maneuver the people in hospitals.
They're lifeless on the table, bleeding and injured
people complaining that their life just isn't structured.
See I just kick this people in the head for a wake up call,
cuz some times I feel like they're stupid as that barbie doll.

If I could show you just how this life is,
I promise that I could bring you to justice.
If I had it figured out then I might understand all this.
My perception is straight as a circle when I'm seeing these ghostly figures
Crawling in my ears, and bleeding out my eyes
The only thing to do is realize that I'm not awake, and maybe I never was.

The art of confidence was never one of my strongest areas, and probably never will be... probably never will be.
So just give me a second, and I promise I'll let you degrade me.
And sometimes I raise my eyebrow at how many people just seem crazy.
Haha, but no wait I'll snap back at you with some shit not meant for human minds and blow yours, that is if you can comprehend all that's on mine.

Life in general

It's monday night, whoo hoo. The end of another eventful weekend I guess you could say. I saw kids fight, and saw the aftermath of a kid getting his head smashed through the del taco window. I saw the most drama I've seen all year with some immature girl, which could have been completely avoided if the girl wasn't such a drama kook. Some people are just wandering lost in theirs, sometimes you wonder if anyone is home. Arie broke up with that girl, told her to take a hike... thank god she was oblivious.

We were at her hotel room and kids wanted to fight because of her, supposedly her x boyfriend. Which I ask, how the fuck did her x-bf find out she was staying at the momo with her new boyfriend and having a party whom is from placentia. Obviously someone called them. I guess he came and smashed some people faces in, pretty retarded degenerate cave man shit if you ask me, I guess they did it for no reason really but to act tuff. What's funny is at the end of the night there's 2 kids there who claim to not be friends with the kids but just know them. Well we tell them were going to jack in the box, and later we find out they came to jack in the box looking for us. WHY THEY CAME looking for us, I have no fucking clue that's beyond my understanding... I thought the kids we were talking to were legit, but they were just as shady as anyone else... it figures tho. Good thing we went to Del Taco.

I don't know how some people survive on this earth, how some people don't just get run over by cars or are even able to drive a car without crashing. Mindless saps and wanna be posers, try hard thugs, and lost souls. I could help guide these people, but I don't think they can be saved. Too many comin off the deep end, with a steady stream of shallow, we all drop some day I'll drop but untill then I'ma stay on top of heads like a bald spot (credit to slug for that one)

I going to write 10 quirky qualities I desire in a women just for the hell of it because I've been meeting allot of girls lately and I want to try and maybe get my priorities straight so I'm not just on a blind wild goose chase. (but really they're the ones chasing me :p)

note order doesn't particularly mean preference

1. BRUNETTE <3>

2. smart /intelligent (common sense preferably)

3. nice skin complexion smooth olivey

4. blue/green eyes

5. nice hands/ legs

6. long hair xD (Short hair if done right, or on the right girl)

7. good sense of humor, is able to laugh with me)

8. isn't afraid to go after what they want (even though 99% are)

9. has a job or goes to school ( no bums please)

10. family presence in their lives ( at least get along with their family. Also saying this because I have a good family and would want ours to get along)

11. from a foreign country (bonus points+++ had to add that one)

yea so that would like be ideal but I really doubt I'll run into a girl like this any time soon. One day I know I can find someone like this, but until then I'll stick with this steady stream of girls and enjoying being single.

 "you girl's are definitely the coolest girls I've met.... in the last 30 seconds" (credit to sinn for that one)

hahaha that one's funny

anyways I'm tired and I got farking work tomorrow, sweet!!!!11!1!!1!!!!! gnight

word of the night/day: Condescending (fucking love this word even though I don't like to act it)