Weekends Home Alone

Parents are gone for the weekend! Actually my entire family has let all their houses for the weekend to go to the races in Havasu on Valentines day weekend. I thought about going, but since CWP ended this last week, all I wanted to do was just stay home and enjoy a nice weekend to myself. I think I really deserve it after everything I've gone through in the last 9 months or so.

CWP ended, well the first half at least and I hope that I can get the next 6 months that I have to do dropped by the judge. I have a good defence all planned out for when I go into court next time to get all this shit straightened out. It's been relaxing has hell not having to go to CWP, and I'm catching up on many hours of lost sleep. Working for the government without pay, is literally the equivalent to slave labor back in the early days of America. Although I wouldn't recommend comparing this to a black man as he will beg to differ....

I'm still working on project become a best and it's going over very nicely, I'm beginning to notice some nice results over the last month going 3-4 times a week. Actually I'm about out the door to the gym right now, but I thought my blog deserved a check up.

My future outlook right now is a bit hazy, I really don't know what the future holds. I don't know where I'll be in the next month, or even next week right now. My life is just shifting with the sands and the tides, and the only thing I can do is just go with the flow for right now. Sometimes you gotta bust outta the flow and kick some sand up, which will be me going to court... but yet I don't even know when that's going to happen. So for now, I'm just going to enjoy my super long weekend and the unknown amount of time off of slave labor that I have.

School is going well, my teacher is super mellow and the kids in class or just the same old college kids that you would expect to see at any college. I'm pissed that there is only one really good looking girl in my class and seems like a bit of a ditz, but that's a whole nother story. 

Life gets better all the time, and actually comes in waves. I sort of imagine a graph and my life is slowly increasing towards the positive end. It's up and down still, but the over all spectrum of my life is always increasing, even though it is up and down.... Like my downs now are way better than my positives ever were 6 months ago, it's kind of weird how shit like that happens.

The one thing I just want to say and it's a bit sporadic but kind of on this life topic thing. You can't give a shit what people think about you. You want to be the prize in life, and as david deangelo says it, "this is my reality and you're a guest in it". By having this reality that is only yours you let go of every one elses and not give a fuck about theirs. Your life YOUR LIFE and no body elses. You do things the way you want to do it, and how you think it should be done, do it with swagger, confidence, pride, happiness, and complete lack of caring what others think about you. 

I try not to care, but sometimes get stuck in my head thinking many negative emotions. Self-defeating thoughts. If I can stay positive all the time and not care what others think, then I feel that is truely a life worth living.

L.I.F.E.

Been really busy lately, going to the gym and working on my phsique. I've been lifting weights 3-4 times a week and trying to run at least a mile on the treadmill everytime, except I haven't been making it quite to a mile lately. I always crap out at around .9 miles, but maybe it's because I'm running it at 8-9 speed on average. Anyways I'm going to start shooting for no less than a mile every time I go, I think cardio is important for my body.

Fuck I bought another pack of cigarettes, doh! It's been probably almost two months since I have before. I don't know what got into me, but I've really been craving nicotine. I haven't had any money lately and I've had $5 kickin around in my wallet for the last week or so. I haven't really had much money lately and with limit cash flow I have to chose between beer or cigarettes, and everyone knows what I'd probably prefer.

I watched a video about happiness today described by a Molecular Biologist Tibetian Monk guy from France.... that's a mouth full. But he was very interesting and I'll add the link to him at the end of this entry. He talked about how you need to learn to control your mind, and let things like anger just pass by your mind likes clouds floating in the sky with out leaving a trail. Just let it come to you, and let it leave. That's like exactly how I treat anger, and I always have for many years now. I don't know how I learned it but just one day I decided that being angry was stupid and usually meaningless... maybe it was all the people I saw getting dramatic over the smallest things in life. Sometimes anger is justifiable though, but not always the healthiest.

He also described anger like looking at a storm cloud, but when you get to the cloud it's just mist. Meaning that you can be angry about the way something seems, but when you really get to the logistics of it, it's not so bad. One more quote, not from him but he quoted another guy on this, happiness is 'the one that helps him self is looking for the cessation of suffering' or something very close to that. I interpret that as if you have many hobbies and do things you try to enjoy, and try to do everything with motivation and drive, do everything like it's the first thing you've ever done. The person that looks to improve himself in every way possible, that is someone trying to become happy.

But, if someone believes that they need everything to be happy, then they will never be happy. As soon as one of those things falls off, the person is no longer happy because he doesn't have everything. We are just humans in this gigantic world, trying to control everything is not possible, we can only control so much.

The video was very inspiring, and the pictures at the end of the slide show really made me feel compassion the way that he tried to describe.

I think I'm gonna go try to meditate, and think happy compassionate thoughts. Thoughts that everything and everyone can be loving and warm. Maybe I'll make me feel happier? I don't know it's worth a try, and the next time I post I'll let you know how it goes.

Writers Never Die

Writers never die, so this time I'm gonna sit here and try... (haha)

This time I'm going to identify the obstacles
so I can steady maneuver the people in hospitals.
They're lifeless on the table, bleeding and injured
people complaining that their life just isn't structured.
See I just kick this people in the head for a wake up call,
cuz some times I feel like they're stupid as that barbie doll.

If I could show you just how this life is,
I promise that I could bring you to justice.
If I had it figured out then I might understand all this.
My perception is straight as a circle when I'm seeing these ghostly figures
Crawling in my ears, and bleeding out my eyes
The only thing to do is realize that I'm not awake, and maybe I never was.

The art of confidence was never one of my strongest areas, and probably never will be... probably never will be.
So just give me a second, and I promise I'll let you degrade me.
And sometimes I raise my eyebrow at how many people just seem crazy.
Haha, but no wait I'll snap back at you with some shit not meant for human minds and blow yours, that is if you can comprehend all that's on mine.

Life in general

It's monday night, whoo hoo. The end of another eventful weekend I guess you could say. I saw kids fight, and saw the aftermath of a kid getting his head smashed through the del taco window. I saw the most drama I've seen all year with some immature girl, which could have been completely avoided if the girl wasn't such a drama kook. Some people are just wandering lost in theirs, sometimes you wonder if anyone is home. Arie broke up with that girl, told her to take a hike... thank god she was oblivious.

We were at her hotel room and kids wanted to fight because of her, supposedly her x boyfriend. Which I ask, how the fuck did her x-bf find out she was staying at the momo with her new boyfriend and having a party whom is from placentia. Obviously someone called them. I guess he came and smashed some people faces in, pretty retarded degenerate cave man shit if you ask me, I guess they did it for no reason really but to act tuff. What's funny is at the end of the night there's 2 kids there who claim to not be friends with the kids but just know them. Well we tell them were going to jack in the box, and later we find out they came to jack in the box looking for us. WHY THEY CAME looking for us, I have no fucking clue that's beyond my understanding... I thought the kids we were talking to were legit, but they were just as shady as anyone else... it figures tho. Good thing we went to Del Taco.

I don't know how some people survive on this earth, how some people don't just get run over by cars or are even able to drive a car without crashing. Mindless saps and wanna be posers, try hard thugs, and lost souls. I could help guide these people, but I don't think they can be saved. Too many comin off the deep end, with a steady stream of shallow, we all drop some day I'll drop but untill then I'ma stay on top of heads like a bald spot (credit to slug for that one)

I going to write 10 quirky qualities I desire in a women just for the hell of it because I've been meeting allot of girls lately and I want to try and maybe get my priorities straight so I'm not just on a blind wild goose chase. (but really they're the ones chasing me :p)

note order doesn't particularly mean preference

1. BRUNETTE <3>

2. smart /intelligent (common sense preferably)

3. nice skin complexion smooth olivey

4. blue/green eyes

5. nice hands/ legs

6. long hair xD (Short hair if done right, or on the right girl)

7. good sense of humor, is able to laugh with me)

8. isn't afraid to go after what they want (even though 99% are)

9. has a job or goes to school ( no bums please)

10. family presence in their lives ( at least get along with their family. Also saying this because I have a good family and would want ours to get along)

11. from a foreign country (bonus points+++ had to add that one)

yea so that would like be ideal but I really doubt I'll run into a girl like this any time soon. One day I know I can find someone like this, but until then I'll stick with this steady stream of girls and enjoying being single.

 "you girl's are definitely the coolest girls I've met.... in the last 30 seconds" (credit to sinn for that one)

hahaha that one's funny

anyways I'm tired and I got farking work tomorrow, sweet!!!!11!1!!1!!!!! gnight

word of the night/day: Condescending (fucking love this word even though I don't like to act it)

Get these thoughts out my head

These thoughts have been repeatedly playing through my head many times today. I didn't know at first why I was thinking these things, but later I started to piece together the puzzle. "We're all alive, we're all gonna die". That single statement is so powerful and says so many things.

Here today gone tomorrow as some would say, life is only so long. You have one short here on earth and we're all alive, and we're all gonna die. It's inevitable, it's entropy, to some it's unbelievable. Not being able to accept the fact that were gonna die one day is a topic that many people I think chose to avoid out of fear. I think some people just think were all gonna live for eternity, that were gonna invent some super pill that we take and then we live for ever. Doubtful? Highly. Possible? Yes. I would more be willing to believe that if we ever do have a pill like this, or something of the likes that it will just extend our lives to maybe 125-150 years of age. I don't think I would really even want to live past then, I mean our minds begin to deteriorate as we grow older, so unless we can fix that problem, as well as being able to rejuvenate our bodies because think about it, your body is going to be so old and shot out by the time you probably even get to 100. Your bones ache and your back hurts, your vision starts to go, and your smell and taste is never as good as it used to be. I'm just saying growing that old sucks.

Back to death, I think many kids just are stuck in the delusion that they will never die, many adults even. Or they know they're going to die, but they're just not going to worry about it now. Sure, I'm not saying worry about it but what I am saying is we only have one life so live it to the fullest. 

Love everything you do, and do nothing half heartedly, be what you speak, don't speak on what you be. ( borrowed from alias, I think it was, and I fucked the quote up last time so I'm doing it some justice.)

We have one shot on this earth, so hoping to be someone else won't get you anywhere. You gotta make your self, live every day to the fullest, and have faith in yourself. Because one day we're all going to be gone, how do you want to be remembered... if at all. All I know is that if I put 110% effort into everything I do every day, have to regrets for the things that I didn't do, and make the most out of everything I can die a happy man. Many people die, are going to die, and have died, not that I care about their sagas but many of them lived their lives so plain, thinking they were doing the right thing (or lack of thinking). I know I don't want to be one of those people, I'm going to be the person that went after all the girls I wanted, wasn't afraid to go after the things I wanted, and wasn't afraid to try to make money the way I wanted to make money by working the jobs I wanted. I'm also not going to be the one that held back what he had to say for fear of others, but I will try to keep these dark thoughts I have locked in my head, because no one wants to hear those.... Dark thoughts, in the terms of atmosphere. Haha my only dark thoughts are thinking how stupid someone is or how much better someone could do something... in other words negative judgments are my dark thoughts. And I believe negative judgement, when being serious is never a good thing... and that's something I've been working on lately.

Anyways, just a fuckload of mumbo jumbo, but I needed to get these fucking thoughts out of my head and on paper... you know make sense of some things. "We're all alive, we're all gonna die" Now that's a fucking scary ass thought.

 LIVE YOUR LIFE. L-O-V-E-L-I-F-E.

Eloquent Nobility

"Row Row Row your boat, gentley down the stream, merilly merilly merilly merilly life is but a sinking feeling." -Slug

I think slug layed it out nicely. Life is a sinking feeling, we're always sinking deeper and deeper into our lives, and we never feel the same as our thoughts are expanded while we sink deeper and deeper into the future. Just make sure you row your boat gentley and merilly down the stream.

Our minds are our worlds, we perceive everything through our senses and process it in our minds to make us understand the way the world works to us. Everyone has a different outlook on the world, no one sees it the same. I try my best to see it the same way as other people, but sometimes I feel like the way other people see it is flawed and simple. I don't know, I guess I would just like people more if they all thought the same way as me. But not everyone does, so I'm going to keep rowing my boat gently down the stream.

I try not to judge people because I feel like it's not the right thing to do. It makes people feel indifferent about you and I really just try not to do it. I am a very open person, and I guess that's why I see things differently then alot of people. I take into account everyones personalities and try to understand the way everyone is, whether they are funny, smart, creative, dumb, outgoing, aggressive, passive, or quiet. I always try to see the other persons side of things. Well at least I used to. The problem with that is you don't end up really living your own life, you just live your life through the others by the way you see them do things. You
re always just passive and never act on your own emotions and thoughts. As I grow older I start to care less about what other people think, moreover what they think about me, and just live my life the way it should be lived. Gently down the stream, merrily- -merrily - life is but a dream.

I don't have anything to prove to anyone, I don't have to act super cool to feel special or liked, I don't have to act on what I be, but be what I act (credit to sole for that). I know I shouldn't care what the fuck these people think, so I won't. I'm still a big one on caring what others think because I want them to see me be this super cool person or something but who doesn't. I know that's not how I should be, I know alot of people probably do live up to that standard always trying to prove them selves. But you know what, fuck that. Fuck trying to prove myself. I don't have to prove shit, as long as I know what I'm doing and where I'm going in life I know I'm good, in fact I'm great... but there holds another problem. We don't always know what to do, let alone where to go. Life is a plan, and we don't always have the clearest cut plan that we would all like to have and stick too.

So as I finish pondering these things on paper, I leave myself with one question. What is the meaning of life?

They call him El Topo

Not gonna get so philosophical on your ass today. Not really feeling in the mood for it right now. My days have been long, nights I've been awake till late, and mornings I have risen early. It sucks having to work everyday for no pay, it really fucking does. The worst part about it is the hours, having to wake up early and go to bed and work monday-friday. It really drags me down, and sucks the life out of me nearly every day, some days better than others... normally the better ones after I get a good solid 7 hours of sleep, in fact I need to go to bed like right now if I'm going to get that solid sleep I need because it's really starting to wear down on me and I'm tired of waking up tired.

I try to stay positive, looking at the other side of things like I could be in jail but then all I can see is the negative like I could be done with all this shit sooner if I was in jail, but then I look at the positive again thinking of all the things I couldn't have done if I was locked up for the last 3 1/2 months. What it really comes down to is that being free is so much better than not. I have to remind myself of that, especially on the harder days that I just feel like giving up but know I can't.

I'm going to see alot of people come and go at my work program, I already have seen 5 different people go in just the last 2 weeks. I wonder how many people I will see come and go in the next 7 months...?

Oh yea and I registered for a single english course at Santiago Canyon College. Can't wait to start that and maybe meet some new people, especially girls. And hang out with people other than criminals that have criminal mind states and negative attitudes, or just people that are plain fucking crazy, like we've nick named this guy 'gone for good' at work, and everyone laughs because it fits him pretty well. It's sad, but the guy is literally crazy and I think he knows it too. Anyways my mind is wandering, and I can't wait to start school and move on with my life. I bet there will be cute girls in my class too, if not just around campus.

Goal for feburary (starting early): do 15 approaches

Thanks for reading, peace.