Weekends Home Alone

Parents are gone for the weekend! Actually my entire family has let all their houses for the weekend to go to the races in Havasu on Valentines day weekend. I thought about going, but since CWP ended this last week, all I wanted to do was just stay home and enjoy a nice weekend to myself. I think I really deserve it after everything I've gone through in the last 9 months or so.

CWP ended, well the first half at least and I hope that I can get the next 6 months that I have to do dropped by the judge. I have a good defence all planned out for when I go into court next time to get all this shit straightened out. It's been relaxing has hell not having to go to CWP, and I'm catching up on many hours of lost sleep. Working for the government without pay, is literally the equivalent to slave labor back in the early days of America. Although I wouldn't recommend comparing this to a black man as he will beg to differ....

I'm still working on project become a best and it's going over very nicely, I'm beginning to notice some nice results over the last month going 3-4 times a week. Actually I'm about out the door to the gym right now, but I thought my blog deserved a check up.

My future outlook right now is a bit hazy, I really don't know what the future holds. I don't know where I'll be in the next month, or even next week right now. My life is just shifting with the sands and the tides, and the only thing I can do is just go with the flow for right now. Sometimes you gotta bust outta the flow and kick some sand up, which will be me going to court... but yet I don't even know when that's going to happen. So for now, I'm just going to enjoy my super long weekend and the unknown amount of time off of slave labor that I have.

School is going well, my teacher is super mellow and the kids in class or just the same old college kids that you would expect to see at any college. I'm pissed that there is only one really good looking girl in my class and seems like a bit of a ditz, but that's a whole nother story. 

Life gets better all the time, and actually comes in waves. I sort of imagine a graph and my life is slowly increasing towards the positive end. It's up and down still, but the over all spectrum of my life is always increasing, even though it is up and down.... Like my downs now are way better than my positives ever were 6 months ago, it's kind of weird how shit like that happens.

The one thing I just want to say and it's a bit sporadic but kind of on this life topic thing. You can't give a shit what people think about you. You want to be the prize in life, and as david deangelo says it, "this is my reality and you're a guest in it". By having this reality that is only yours you let go of every one elses and not give a fuck about theirs. Your life YOUR LIFE and no body elses. You do things the way you want to do it, and how you think it should be done, do it with swagger, confidence, pride, happiness, and complete lack of caring what others think about you. 

I try not to care, but sometimes get stuck in my head thinking many negative emotions. Self-defeating thoughts. If I can stay positive all the time and not care what others think, then I feel that is truely a life worth living.

L.I.F.E.

Been really busy lately, going to the gym and working on my phsique. I've been lifting weights 3-4 times a week and trying to run at least a mile on the treadmill everytime, except I haven't been making it quite to a mile lately. I always crap out at around .9 miles, but maybe it's because I'm running it at 8-9 speed on average. Anyways I'm going to start shooting for no less than a mile every time I go, I think cardio is important for my body.

Fuck I bought another pack of cigarettes, doh! It's been probably almost two months since I have before. I don't know what got into me, but I've really been craving nicotine. I haven't had any money lately and I've had $5 kickin around in my wallet for the last week or so. I haven't really had much money lately and with limit cash flow I have to chose between beer or cigarettes, and everyone knows what I'd probably prefer.

I watched a video about happiness today described by a Molecular Biologist Tibetian Monk guy from France.... that's a mouth full. But he was very interesting and I'll add the link to him at the end of this entry. He talked about how you need to learn to control your mind, and let things like anger just pass by your mind likes clouds floating in the sky with out leaving a trail. Just let it come to you, and let it leave. That's like exactly how I treat anger, and I always have for many years now. I don't know how I learned it but just one day I decided that being angry was stupid and usually meaningless... maybe it was all the people I saw getting dramatic over the smallest things in life. Sometimes anger is justifiable though, but not always the healthiest.

He also described anger like looking at a storm cloud, but when you get to the cloud it's just mist. Meaning that you can be angry about the way something seems, but when you really get to the logistics of it, it's not so bad. One more quote, not from him but he quoted another guy on this, happiness is 'the one that helps him self is looking for the cessation of suffering' or something very close to that. I interpret that as if you have many hobbies and do things you try to enjoy, and try to do everything with motivation and drive, do everything like it's the first thing you've ever done. The person that looks to improve himself in every way possible, that is someone trying to become happy.

But, if someone believes that they need everything to be happy, then they will never be happy. As soon as one of those things falls off, the person is no longer happy because he doesn't have everything. We are just humans in this gigantic world, trying to control everything is not possible, we can only control so much.

The video was very inspiring, and the pictures at the end of the slide show really made me feel compassion the way that he tried to describe.

I think I'm gonna go try to meditate, and think happy compassionate thoughts. Thoughts that everything and everyone can be loving and warm. Maybe I'll make me feel happier? I don't know it's worth a try, and the next time I post I'll let you know how it goes.

Writers Never Die

Writers never die, so this time I'm gonna sit here and try... (haha)

This time I'm going to identify the obstacles
so I can steady maneuver the people in hospitals.
They're lifeless on the table, bleeding and injured
people complaining that their life just isn't structured.
See I just kick this people in the head for a wake up call,
cuz some times I feel like they're stupid as that barbie doll.

If I could show you just how this life is,
I promise that I could bring you to justice.
If I had it figured out then I might understand all this.
My perception is straight as a circle when I'm seeing these ghostly figures
Crawling in my ears, and bleeding out my eyes
The only thing to do is realize that I'm not awake, and maybe I never was.

The art of confidence was never one of my strongest areas, and probably never will be... probably never will be.
So just give me a second, and I promise I'll let you degrade me.
And sometimes I raise my eyebrow at how many people just seem crazy.
Haha, but no wait I'll snap back at you with some shit not meant for human minds and blow yours, that is if you can comprehend all that's on mine.