Bloggin it

We all dream one day we kingz and queens

I don't know how connected this blog is, in fact the world connected is a mystery in itself with the internet. I heard today that there are more people on facebook, then there were people in the world 200 years ago. That took me a few moments to actually fathom the magnitude of it.

Every one tells me I'm wrong, that it isn't right and that maybe it wasn't meant to be. I don't want to give hatred, I don't want to give love. Life is love, I'm gonna do what I want and live my life free as long as I don't step on anyones toes, and the only way I know for sure how to do that without fail is through love.

I found this love, deeper in my soul. More than I can believe, more than I thought I could ever achieve. The dreams and mountain peaks flying softly in the heavenly heights. Gem of light, cast your radiance upon our souls and illuminate all that is, may the darkness disappear like that of the flesh rotting from a corpse. Graphic and gruesome in nature, living in a cold world, but I'm doin' me and I don't owe you so I'm just gonna keep going, not letting you get me down. This is your world girl tho, and I just live in it so you keep doing what you do, and I'll keep doing what I do, and together we'll make this life.

I met a girl, who I couldn't resist. She had the... strongest eyes and looks to kill...


automatically.... I knew she was the one..... because i never found one,.. that went alll the way.


and if we could go all the way,.. to a place real far.... then.. I.. might.. never come back.


being all tied up .... and tryin' to never let go,... is that feeling I get


if this was misery... then i'd,..  be o.k....... because i never found one,.. that went alll the way...


because if I could tell you now... how I felt... then you might never come back...


and already again,... I'm stARting to feel... like I'm already tied up,.. and filled with this. 

blah, pretentious nonsense?




Publish Post

Long time running

Ok,

I've been out of the loop for a while, and I really want to start writing again, but I have just been so busy and tied up with other things that have been holding me back. When I used to write my blog posts, I wanted to make sure I was in the best state of mind possible.. as writing without clarity used to be an issue for me... well all that has passed now. Let's say that I have found what you would call, 'more constant clarity' :]

So I'm not worried about the way I write any more, people can judge me It doesn't matter to me anymore. If I'm dorky or weird, well that's just me and I can't help it... Plus this is MY blog. :] That doesn't mean that I don't love you if you're reading this, it just means that I'm setting my self free as a writer and writing about things I find of interest and importance.

OK, time to get off my rant and talk about real things.

I learned the true story of the Titanic yesterday and I thought it was worth sharing, because it is very interesting to say the least.

We all know what and who the Titanic was that sank in the year of 1913, the same year the Federal Reserve Act was passed that transfered the control of the money from the people into the hands of private bankers... since that time the dollar has lost 95% of it's buying power and inflation has grown out of control.

If you ever read the story of the Titan is was a book written by Morgan Robertson. The story was about a 'unsinkable' ship that was on it's maiden voyage, that sank after hitting an iceberg and only 1/3 of the people on the ship survived. Written in 1898, this book was never published until 1912 ( a year before the Titanic sank). Well, the only difference in the story is that the Titan was sailing in heavy fog, and the Titanic wasn't. Just a coincidence?

Well, the Titanic was to sail at full speed to break the trans-Atlantic speed record, and was actually intentionally rammed into an iceberg at full speed on a CLEAR night! Don't believe me? Read on.

The ironic part is that the J.P. Morgan Chase family (yes the banking family), along with the Rothschild and Rockefeller family, were going to have the FRA of 1913 signed into a bill. They invited all of their rich friends (people that were actually their enemies) and most importantly the Astor family, who were all people against the Federal Reserve Act and were going to stop it. Well they were all going on the boat together, but conveniently the Chase family CANCELED and didn't go on the ship at the last minute.

This is the plan these powerful families came up with to kill all of these people at the same time, and thus the Federal Reserve Act of 1913 was successfully passed, because they had little to no opposition.

It should be noted that this is also why only the women and men were allowed on life boats, so that way all of the men would die. Also, is it another coincidence that there just happen to be NOT enough life boats for everyone? This is why people had guns on the ship to make sure that the men didn't get on the lifeboats.

The story of the Titan was released by the Illuminati as a symbolic ritual as they always do before something major happens, it's a way for them to sort of laugh in our face.

And that's the true story behind the Titanic and how the Federal Reserve Act of 1913 was passed.

This was just like a series on fox about air planes flying into the WTC was aired several days before 9/11 and also why a training exercise was happening the same day as 9/11. The training exercise they were having? If planes were to fly into the WTC, how the situation would be handled....complete madness if you ask me!

Also, look at the London subway bombing, they were having a training exercise on what would happen if a bomb went off in the same subway on the same day a bomb actually went off. Do you actually believe this was all just some big crazy coincidence?

What a life

I always have the worst time starting out these posts. I never know how to start or what to say, so this is how I'll start.

Girls are so fucking awesome. I love meeting them, talking and interacting with them, and doing what humans do with each other. I love being with my friends, and living our lives together. It seems to take the edge off of what life is, and the struggles and difficulties that you go through daily. If I didn't have my friends there for me, I don't know what I would do. I'd most likely be a huge mess, or in prison/jail. Every time I'm with friends, we evolve together as a group. The thoughts that we come up with and the laughter that we endure, is the greatest thing on this earth.

No matter how cliche it sounds, and I hate being that more than anything... your friends are really what counts in this world. You are who you hang around.

A note to myself when being around women. Never tell them what a piece of shit you are, no matter what mind state you're in. I think it's better just to not talk to that cute girl that you've had your eye on at all, rather than go up to them when you've been out of your mind for the last few days, high on drugs, and trying to make them feel sorry for you or 'something'. "hey yea I relapsed on drugs, and I feel like shit right now, and I hate my self physically and spiritually, but.... do you want to go on a date?" haha funny joke. no actually that's the reality of this bullshit addiction.

I'm over writing anymore right now, not in a good state of mind... maybe I'll update this later this week.

Just a Struggle

Is life just one big struggle, to make it to the top and achieve all our greatest desires.

I haven't written a blog in a long time, my life has had some just chaos lately. I just go out of jail for the second time a few months ago. It was really horrible, and would never like to go back, ever. I feel like I've had a huge set back.

The cards are stacked against him, and sometimes hope seems like nothing but just a glimmer in the sea. Sometimes he feels like he won't ever make, but he keeps trying... trying because that's his only choice. Failure or success, there is no in between. The greatest things that he strives for, he want's nothing more that what he imagines and he won't stop until his dreams become reality.

Why does it have to be so fucking difficult. Now the stones are laid in front of you in a neat little pathway, and all you have to do is hop to each one. But those fucking stones get small and the gaps become impossible to cross, so then you have to figure out a way to make it across.

Update

Wow, it's been a while since I've updated my blog. I wrote in my personal journal the othernight because I couldn't fall asleep and thought writing would be the only thing to get some things off my mind, and actually it helped because I don't remember much after laying down and closing my eyes.

Smile

Everyone is on my team

Pleasure

Those are 3 big things in life, I'm always trying to improve myself and that's what life is about, self-improvement.

If you walk into a club and start smiling at everyone you know and don't know I'm sure people arn't going to be able to help them selves but smile back. Smiling is contagious and it only sets the mood that you're playful and fun when meeting people. They think 'this guy is smiling really big, he must be happy about something' and then they proceed to want to share this laughter with you and find out why your smiling. I think it's a good tactic for getting alone with people and meeting people.

You also can't have the 'Us vs. them' mind state. So many people, especially when you go to the club or bar or really anywhere have this mind state when it's you vs. the other guys. That's a very hindering mindstate and everyone needs to escape that. You want to have the mindstate that everyone is on your team. If you think like this, then you will never be judging people or trying to fight them or anything. Along with smiling and just trying to have a genuine experience where you share laughter and happy emotions with other people is a perfect mix for life.

Everyone on our team and smiling makes for pleasure. If you can learn to just go through life with pleasure and not having a care really in the world, life would be so much easier..... it's really hot in my room (lol random I know).

But have pleasure in everything you do and never try to focus on anything to much. Get a laugh out of what you want and just try to have fun, this is such a big part of life and I wish I could just be like this all the time because then I think life would just always pretty much be fun. And when you seem like you're enjoying yourself and everything you do then other people notice that. They see that your having pleasure in what ever you're doing and they want to join in and have pleasure too. If they have pleasure and you have pleasure and you come together it forms the ultimate explosion of joyfulness.

Right now I am in a state of pleasure, even though I'm really fucking hot and my nose is bugging me I'm in pleasure.... but it's really hot, but hey ill just go outside for a min and cool down- fixes that right away.

Anyways maybe tomorrow I'll write about my club experiences from last weekend. My first time out to any bar or club!!! It was really fun even though I got blown out on a set of girls reallllly bad. But I learned alot from it, like being nice to people LOL.. maybe that's why my blog post is centered around pleasure and everyone being on your team, trust and being nice... people arn't usually out to get you. They just wanna have fun too.

OK I'm out, peace.

 Get $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Weekends Home Alone

Parents are gone for the weekend! Actually my entire family has let all their houses for the weekend to go to the races in Havasu on Valentines day weekend. I thought about going, but since CWP ended this last week, all I wanted to do was just stay home and enjoy a nice weekend to myself. I think I really deserve it after everything I've gone through in the last 9 months or so.

CWP ended, well the first half at least and I hope that I can get the next 6 months that I have to do dropped by the judge. I have a good defence all planned out for when I go into court next time to get all this shit straightened out. It's been relaxing has hell not having to go to CWP, and I'm catching up on many hours of lost sleep. Working for the government without pay, is literally the equivalent to slave labor back in the early days of America. Although I wouldn't recommend comparing this to a black man as he will beg to differ....

I'm still working on project become a best and it's going over very nicely, I'm beginning to notice some nice results over the last month going 3-4 times a week. Actually I'm about out the door to the gym right now, but I thought my blog deserved a check up.

My future outlook right now is a bit hazy, I really don't know what the future holds. I don't know where I'll be in the next month, or even next week right now. My life is just shifting with the sands and the tides, and the only thing I can do is just go with the flow for right now. Sometimes you gotta bust outta the flow and kick some sand up, which will be me going to court... but yet I don't even know when that's going to happen. So for now, I'm just going to enjoy my super long weekend and the unknown amount of time off of slave labor that I have.

School is going well, my teacher is super mellow and the kids in class or just the same old college kids that you would expect to see at any college. I'm pissed that there is only one really good looking girl in my class and seems like a bit of a ditz, but that's a whole nother story. 

Life gets better all the time, and actually comes in waves. I sort of imagine a graph and my life is slowly increasing towards the positive end. It's up and down still, but the over all spectrum of my life is always increasing, even though it is up and down.... Like my downs now are way better than my positives ever were 6 months ago, it's kind of weird how shit like that happens.

The one thing I just want to say and it's a bit sporadic but kind of on this life topic thing. You can't give a shit what people think about you. You want to be the prize in life, and as david deangelo says it, "this is my reality and you're a guest in it". By having this reality that is only yours you let go of every one elses and not give a fuck about theirs. Your life YOUR LIFE and no body elses. You do things the way you want to do it, and how you think it should be done, do it with swagger, confidence, pride, happiness, and complete lack of caring what others think about you. 

I try not to care, but sometimes get stuck in my head thinking many negative emotions. Self-defeating thoughts. If I can stay positive all the time and not care what others think, then I feel that is truely a life worth living.

L.I.F.E.

Been really busy lately, going to the gym and working on my phsique. I've been lifting weights 3-4 times a week and trying to run at least a mile on the treadmill everytime, except I haven't been making it quite to a mile lately. I always crap out at around .9 miles, but maybe it's because I'm running it at 8-9 speed on average. Anyways I'm going to start shooting for no less than a mile every time I go, I think cardio is important for my body.

Fuck I bought another pack of cigarettes, doh! It's been probably almost two months since I have before. I don't know what got into me, but I've really been craving nicotine. I haven't had any money lately and I've had $5 kickin around in my wallet for the last week or so. I haven't really had much money lately and with limit cash flow I have to chose between beer or cigarettes, and everyone knows what I'd probably prefer.

I watched a video about happiness today described by a Molecular Biologist Tibetian Monk guy from France.... that's a mouth full. But he was very interesting and I'll add the link to him at the end of this entry. He talked about how you need to learn to control your mind, and let things like anger just pass by your mind likes clouds floating in the sky with out leaving a trail. Just let it come to you, and let it leave. That's like exactly how I treat anger, and I always have for many years now. I don't know how I learned it but just one day I decided that being angry was stupid and usually meaningless... maybe it was all the people I saw getting dramatic over the smallest things in life. Sometimes anger is justifiable though, but not always the healthiest.

He also described anger like looking at a storm cloud, but when you get to the cloud it's just mist. Meaning that you can be angry about the way something seems, but when you really get to the logistics of it, it's not so bad. One more quote, not from him but he quoted another guy on this, happiness is 'the one that helps him self is looking for the cessation of suffering' or something very close to that. I interpret that as if you have many hobbies and do things you try to enjoy, and try to do everything with motivation and drive, do everything like it's the first thing you've ever done. The person that looks to improve himself in every way possible, that is someone trying to become happy.

But, if someone believes that they need everything to be happy, then they will never be happy. As soon as one of those things falls off, the person is no longer happy because he doesn't have everything. We are just humans in this gigantic world, trying to control everything is not possible, we can only control so much.

The video was very inspiring, and the pictures at the end of the slide show really made me feel compassion the way that he tried to describe.

I think I'm gonna go try to meditate, and think happy compassionate thoughts. Thoughts that everything and everyone can be loving and warm. Maybe I'll make me feel happier? I don't know it's worth a try, and the next time I post I'll let you know how it goes.

Writers Never Die

Writers never die, so this time I'm gonna sit here and try... (haha)

This time I'm going to identify the obstacles
so I can steady maneuver the people in hospitals.
They're lifeless on the table, bleeding and injured
people complaining that their life just isn't structured.
See I just kick this people in the head for a wake up call,
cuz some times I feel like they're stupid as that barbie doll.

If I could show you just how this life is,
I promise that I could bring you to justice.
If I had it figured out then I might understand all this.
My perception is straight as a circle when I'm seeing these ghostly figures
Crawling in my ears, and bleeding out my eyes
The only thing to do is realize that I'm not awake, and maybe I never was.

The art of confidence was never one of my strongest areas, and probably never will be... probably never will be.
So just give me a second, and I promise I'll let you degrade me.
And sometimes I raise my eyebrow at how many people just seem crazy.
Haha, but no wait I'll snap back at you with some shit not meant for human minds and blow yours, that is if you can comprehend all that's on mine.

Life in general

It's monday night, whoo hoo. The end of another eventful weekend I guess you could say. I saw kids fight, and saw the aftermath of a kid getting his head smashed through the del taco window. I saw the most drama I've seen all year with some immature girl, which could have been completely avoided if the girl wasn't such a drama kook. Some people are just wandering lost in theirs, sometimes you wonder if anyone is home. Arie broke up with that girl, told her to take a hike... thank god she was oblivious.

We were at her hotel room and kids wanted to fight because of her, supposedly her x boyfriend. Which I ask, how the fuck did her x-bf find out she was staying at the momo with her new boyfriend and having a party whom is from placentia. Obviously someone called them. I guess he came and smashed some people faces in, pretty retarded degenerate cave man shit if you ask me, I guess they did it for no reason really but to act tuff. What's funny is at the end of the night there's 2 kids there who claim to not be friends with the kids but just know them. Well we tell them were going to jack in the box, and later we find out they came to jack in the box looking for us. WHY THEY CAME looking for us, I have no fucking clue that's beyond my understanding... I thought the kids we were talking to were legit, but they were just as shady as anyone else... it figures tho. Good thing we went to Del Taco.

I don't know how some people survive on this earth, how some people don't just get run over by cars or are even able to drive a car without crashing. Mindless saps and wanna be posers, try hard thugs, and lost souls. I could help guide these people, but I don't think they can be saved. Too many comin off the deep end, with a steady stream of shallow, we all drop some day I'll drop but untill then I'ma stay on top of heads like a bald spot (credit to slug for that one)

I going to write 10 quirky qualities I desire in a women just for the hell of it because I've been meeting allot of girls lately and I want to try and maybe get my priorities straight so I'm not just on a blind wild goose chase. (but really they're the ones chasing me :p)

note order doesn't particularly mean preference

1. BRUNETTE <3>

2. smart /intelligent (common sense preferably)

3. nice skin complexion smooth olivey

4. blue/green eyes

5. nice hands/ legs

6. long hair xD (Short hair if done right, or on the right girl)

7. good sense of humor, is able to laugh with me)

8. isn't afraid to go after what they want (even though 99% are)

9. has a job or goes to school ( no bums please)

10. family presence in their lives ( at least get along with their family. Also saying this because I have a good family and would want ours to get along)

11. from a foreign country (bonus points+++ had to add that one)

yea so that would like be ideal but I really doubt I'll run into a girl like this any time soon. One day I know I can find someone like this, but until then I'll stick with this steady stream of girls and enjoying being single.

 "you girl's are definitely the coolest girls I've met.... in the last 30 seconds" (credit to sinn for that one)

hahaha that one's funny

anyways I'm tired and I got farking work tomorrow, sweet!!!!11!1!!1!!!!! gnight

word of the night/day: Condescending (fucking love this word even though I don't like to act it)

Get these thoughts out my head

These thoughts have been repeatedly playing through my head many times today. I didn't know at first why I was thinking these things, but later I started to piece together the puzzle. "We're all alive, we're all gonna die". That single statement is so powerful and says so many things.

Here today gone tomorrow as some would say, life is only so long. You have one short here on earth and we're all alive, and we're all gonna die. It's inevitable, it's entropy, to some it's unbelievable. Not being able to accept the fact that were gonna die one day is a topic that many people I think chose to avoid out of fear. I think some people just think were all gonna live for eternity, that were gonna invent some super pill that we take and then we live for ever. Doubtful? Highly. Possible? Yes. I would more be willing to believe that if we ever do have a pill like this, or something of the likes that it will just extend our lives to maybe 125-150 years of age. I don't think I would really even want to live past then, I mean our minds begin to deteriorate as we grow older, so unless we can fix that problem, as well as being able to rejuvenate our bodies because think about it, your body is going to be so old and shot out by the time you probably even get to 100. Your bones ache and your back hurts, your vision starts to go, and your smell and taste is never as good as it used to be. I'm just saying growing that old sucks.

Back to death, I think many kids just are stuck in the delusion that they will never die, many adults even. Or they know they're going to die, but they're just not going to worry about it now. Sure, I'm not saying worry about it but what I am saying is we only have one life so live it to the fullest. 

Love everything you do, and do nothing half heartedly, be what you speak, don't speak on what you be. ( borrowed from alias, I think it was, and I fucked the quote up last time so I'm doing it some justice.)

We have one shot on this earth, so hoping to be someone else won't get you anywhere. You gotta make your self, live every day to the fullest, and have faith in yourself. Because one day we're all going to be gone, how do you want to be remembered... if at all. All I know is that if I put 110% effort into everything I do every day, have to regrets for the things that I didn't do, and make the most out of everything I can die a happy man. Many people die, are going to die, and have died, not that I care about their sagas but many of them lived their lives so plain, thinking they were doing the right thing (or lack of thinking). I know I don't want to be one of those people, I'm going to be the person that went after all the girls I wanted, wasn't afraid to go after the things I wanted, and wasn't afraid to try to make money the way I wanted to make money by working the jobs I wanted. I'm also not going to be the one that held back what he had to say for fear of others, but I will try to keep these dark thoughts I have locked in my head, because no one wants to hear those.... Dark thoughts, in the terms of atmosphere. Haha my only dark thoughts are thinking how stupid someone is or how much better someone could do something... in other words negative judgments are my dark thoughts. And I believe negative judgement, when being serious is never a good thing... and that's something I've been working on lately.

Anyways, just a fuckload of mumbo jumbo, but I needed to get these fucking thoughts out of my head and on paper... you know make sense of some things. "We're all alive, we're all gonna die" Now that's a fucking scary ass thought.

 LIVE YOUR LIFE. L-O-V-E-L-I-F-E.

Eloquent Nobility

"Row Row Row your boat, gentley down the stream, merilly merilly merilly merilly life is but a sinking feeling." -Slug

I think slug layed it out nicely. Life is a sinking feeling, we're always sinking deeper and deeper into our lives, and we never feel the same as our thoughts are expanded while we sink deeper and deeper into the future. Just make sure you row your boat gentley and merilly down the stream.

Our minds are our worlds, we perceive everything through our senses and process it in our minds to make us understand the way the world works to us. Everyone has a different outlook on the world, no one sees it the same. I try my best to see it the same way as other people, but sometimes I feel like the way other people see it is flawed and simple. I don't know, I guess I would just like people more if they all thought the same way as me. But not everyone does, so I'm going to keep rowing my boat gently down the stream.

I try not to judge people because I feel like it's not the right thing to do. It makes people feel indifferent about you and I really just try not to do it. I am a very open person, and I guess that's why I see things differently then alot of people. I take into account everyones personalities and try to understand the way everyone is, whether they are funny, smart, creative, dumb, outgoing, aggressive, passive, or quiet. I always try to see the other persons side of things. Well at least I used to. The problem with that is you don't end up really living your own life, you just live your life through the others by the way you see them do things. You
re always just passive and never act on your own emotions and thoughts. As I grow older I start to care less about what other people think, moreover what they think about me, and just live my life the way it should be lived. Gently down the stream, merrily- -merrily - life is but a dream.

I don't have anything to prove to anyone, I don't have to act super cool to feel special or liked, I don't have to act on what I be, but be what I act (credit to sole for that). I know I shouldn't care what the fuck these people think, so I won't. I'm still a big one on caring what others think because I want them to see me be this super cool person or something but who doesn't. I know that's not how I should be, I know alot of people probably do live up to that standard always trying to prove them selves. But you know what, fuck that. Fuck trying to prove myself. I don't have to prove shit, as long as I know what I'm doing and where I'm going in life I know I'm good, in fact I'm great... but there holds another problem. We don't always know what to do, let alone where to go. Life is a plan, and we don't always have the clearest cut plan that we would all like to have and stick too.

So as I finish pondering these things on paper, I leave myself with one question. What is the meaning of life?

They call him El Topo

Not gonna get so philosophical on your ass today. Not really feeling in the mood for it right now. My days have been long, nights I've been awake till late, and mornings I have risen early. It sucks having to work everyday for no pay, it really fucking does. The worst part about it is the hours, having to wake up early and go to bed and work monday-friday. It really drags me down, and sucks the life out of me nearly every day, some days better than others... normally the better ones after I get a good solid 7 hours of sleep, in fact I need to go to bed like right now if I'm going to get that solid sleep I need because it's really starting to wear down on me and I'm tired of waking up tired.

I try to stay positive, looking at the other side of things like I could be in jail but then all I can see is the negative like I could be done with all this shit sooner if I was in jail, but then I look at the positive again thinking of all the things I couldn't have done if I was locked up for the last 3 1/2 months. What it really comes down to is that being free is so much better than not. I have to remind myself of that, especially on the harder days that I just feel like giving up but know I can't.

I'm going to see alot of people come and go at my work program, I already have seen 5 different people go in just the last 2 weeks. I wonder how many people I will see come and go in the next 7 months...?

Oh yea and I registered for a single english course at Santiago Canyon College. Can't wait to start that and maybe meet some new people, especially girls. And hang out with people other than criminals that have criminal mind states and negative attitudes, or just people that are plain fucking crazy, like we've nick named this guy 'gone for good' at work, and everyone laughs because it fits him pretty well. It's sad, but the guy is literally crazy and I think he knows it too. Anyways my mind is wandering, and I can't wait to start school and move on with my life. I bet there will be cute girls in my class too, if not just around campus.

Goal for feburary (starting early): do 15 approaches

Thanks for reading, peace.

A mortal man, lashed hands and a bleeding heart

Hate is such a powerful word, when compared to love. Like Heaven and Hell or Good and Evil. Opposites as far apart as they can get. Is it so simple to Love? Is it so difficult to Hate?

Love to Hate.
Hate to Love.

It seems to me that the most dominate word is Hate, but maybe that's just based on my perceptions and upbringing in this world. I dislike to hate, but sometimes catch my self doing it all to often. It's so simple to hate, I see it all the time. It takes nothing to hate or say something disheartening to another person. But it takes so much more to give love. When we love we actually have to give something up with in us, something that we hold onto tightly, our emotions. Our emotions are sacred, and another person being given insight into what we're truley feel can sound frightening. Emotions become unrecognizably apparent when we tell someone something somewhere, out of love. But what is it to give hate, it is a seemingly thoughtless act that spawns out of our own pride. Are we so much better than the next man, or are men all on different levels where some can barley even relate?

I see it all the time at my work, and at this new place I see it all to often. I see people putting others down, none to be reminded of their own short comings. Being hipocritical about hate is something not everyone sees. It's in every one, people hate on others but don't expect it to happen to them selves, and then get angered when it does. They never think that maybe it wouldn't happen if they wern't the ones pressing hate onto others in the first place.

I know I am guilty of these things but the least I can do is be aware of it try to improve myself and just be friendly because then maybe people might just turn a smile your way.

She's Hot and Cold

Just threw on some Lil Wayne to get my head in tune, it's been wandering all day.

I'm just gonna throw this out there but life is like a bowl of fucking spaghetti and meat balls, you try to eat the god damn spaghetti but the noodles are flapping around in your face smacking you in the cheeks, and you never really know the correct way to eat it, wondering if people are looking at you when you decide to somewhat slyly slurp that single noodle in your mouth and you always question your self about the meat balls like "should I save these meatballs for the end or like mix it up while I eat the pasta". I think that's what you call a metaphor or maybe it's an analogy... I'm not sure.

"Two words you never hear, Wayne Quit." Fuck that's so true to how I feel right now. My life is going through the most intense transformation that I could have never imagined in a billion years. Things are so out of control that I feel like I could speak for hours, but I'll save myself time as well as yours. I'm trying to find a balance, I'm not insane in fact I think I'm kinda rational (credit to Slug for that one).

Today was pretty off the wall as the days have been going lately. Alot of crazy people at my job site (by the way for those that didn't know I got switched to this deputy training academy on the tustin marine base, brand spanking new building it's super nice not to mention all the ACT 'arrest control technique' officers walking around looking like they're going to kick your ass at any given moment, but I digress) and they often times choose to bicker at each other, or talk shit on one another and just laugh like it's all good. I personally dislike at least 50% of the people at my work, but I'm stuck at this place for a while so I gotta hang tight....

Were washing cars today; cop cars; mock run away vehicles, the usual unmarked crown victorias. I'm like sitting in the car fighting with this mexican dude over the radio... I'm switching it off his mariachi music to something like some hip-hop or nirvana on KROQ or like he'll switch it back and then I'll just turn the music down. This must have gone on for a good 10 minutes like this, oh and it wasn't all with the same car, so were switching cars and doing this in every car we come through. Fucking guy, but he's probably saying the same about me.

Were allowed to drive the cars to back them up after we wash them and this is only my second day granted, so I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. There's so many people and so much going on that if you stop for even a second your going to miss something, and I'm one of those people that never try's to miss a good laugh.

The next thing I know the mexican guy, he always says "oh chit man" or "you fucking guy man" but anyways I hear the sheriff's car start and I see this guy in the drivers seat backing the car up, but he didn't just back it up he like slams on the fucking gas pedal... but the cars engine sputters and stalls for a second so he kind of just floats for a second before the engine catches and you just see his head jerk forward and the tires skid out.... was some funny ass shit I'll tell you what... Later on this guy is driving some other cars and pretty much doing fucking donuts in the parking lot on the wet pavement with these cop cars.

The day ends well, usually they keep the new guy after but for some reason he told me I was lucky and I didn't have to stay after... I think I broke the tradition, because EVERYONE was telling me I was going to have to stay after. I must just be special or rubbed this guy the right way, I dunno. Oh yea we got let out of work 1 hour and a half early. Shit was so cash.

7 more months of this stuff, I don't think I'll ever really truly enjoy going... but I'm gonna do my best to strap up and go to work as well as learn to deal with all these crazy people every day. The funny thing about my work is the one thing I hear most from these people when they make comments about someone else is, "what the fuck is this guy talking about" hahahaha And I'm always the one off to the side just putting my face to my palm and just shaking my head because I'm not really sure if I even understand most of these guys either.

Life

is

Crazy

Anyway my sister seems like she needs to use the computer, so I'ma bounce for now. Thanks for reading. Peace.

Monkey Ninjas

"if you hesitate, you've already lost" - Jay-z

So this weekend is just too much to write about, and nothing that great even really happened. It was just filled with boring ideas and uninspiration/unoriginal nights. But maybe I'm just being negative. It would be cool if I was 21 and could go to clubs and meet some people, but unfortunately I'm stuck with my age and I'm getting older only so quickly.

We end up shooting over to the local hang out, which in our case is this lan center (yes it is probably what you think it is) and get in on a few challenging and feuding matches of DOTA. I'm teaming up with some random kind, who btw was actually chill as fuck for seeming to be such a nerd. We end up dominating rocco and ket the first game, and rocco leaves the game not accepting his defeat. He seriously can't understand that he lost, I really think it's not programmed in him to accept things like that. So we rematch, and were kicking his ass again (the so called dota champion) and of course the kid I'm playing with runs out of time and has no more money. So again we kick his ass, but can't finish, and once again doesn't accept his loss. It's ok we will just have to have the final show down in the future >.>.

After we have some fun playing a few more games of dota and talking mad shit on some little kids, which by the way has become a game for us, we decide to leave. By now we still have nothing figured out to do. I really think it was just because everyone was either tired out after the new years or we were just completely missing out on something. I prefer to believe the former.

We cruse around town bumping with kets subs, being a major heat score. Of course this is what you call obvious forshadowing... but we get to 17th st and ket decides to go left from newport. Well now were half way across the solid white line and halfway in the go-straight lane waiting for the light to change.

Well sure enough a cop pulls up right next to us in the straight lane, and gives us that typical what-the-fuck-do-you-think-your-doing cop look. Oh man we were shitting bricks, but the only thing we could think of doing was cracking some jokes and laughing alittle bit. Rocco was freaking out because we were laughing, but I thought it was really funny that he was trying to be so serious. All it really did was probably just make us look like less of a bust by acting more natural.

We make it to kets house, chill out for a little, go pick on mongrel from antons, and pretty much call it a night. It would be cool if we could hang out with some girls more than just once every week instead of just straight dick, but I guess maybe in time.

New Years

Wow, what a year. I can't believe how much has happened in the last year alone, it seems to have gone by so fast. I've been through some of the hardest times of my life in 2008, and thankfully the worst is over but life is still throwing curve balls at me like no other.

My resolution this year, 2009, was to work on being a better person, exercise more, and stop smoking. So far the former hasn't gone so well.

I woke up this morning, yes another one of those hungover,  hazy, and amazingly delirious mornings where my head was throbbing much more than usual. I had burns on my face, arms, and legs. My nose is sure to be broken and my nose has blood slowly trickling down my face, still. I know I hurt the kid last night, I feel bad I don't know what I was thinking. I could have killed him...

My temples are pulsing, and the inside of my mouth has a huge gash. Way to start off my resolution of becoming a better person this year. FUCK. Why did I have to get in a fight? It was about respect, something I felt like I didn't have much of. Seriously, did I just write that? Sounds like a bunch of trivial bullshit to me really. But, It's funny how something so superficial can be such a overwhelming factor in life. The worse part of it all is I probably lost more respect from some people than I gained from others. I know some people think completely different of me, and it really sucks because that's not who-I-am. My family is who I feel the worst about, I don't know how I can make this up to them except by learning from my experiences. They say an idiot learns from his own experiences, but a genius learns from others. I guess I'm the idiot in this case.

As I sit here writing, trying to convey all my emotions I'm in pain. Not physical pain, but pain in that huge muscle in your chest, you know the one that pumps all the blood through your body?Not to mention the fucking mental strain of it all.

 So many different things are pressing on me; friends, family, girls, random people?... I affect so many people with my decisions and the outcome in the recent has been far from commendable. And the crazy thing is it has nothing to do with words, but rather just my actions. My actions speak louder than my words, and I really don't think you can even hear what I'm saying.

Be responsible, life is only so long and you don't want to spend it in regret. Live strong, laugh a lot, and build your relationships, because all we have in life is each other and if you can't hold onto what you got..... then what do you have.

I want to start the new year over again, and take back everything. But all I can do now is just try to be a better person from here on out.

Happy New Year.

Dark nights, heavy lights.

Wow guys, I just had the longest, most tiring, but ridiculously entertaining weekend... in a real long time. I reconnected with some friends and for sure feel like I strengthened some relationships, which I try to work on every moment possible anyways. I've burned alot of bridges in my past, and I feel like I may spend the rest of my life trying to fix them all, if that is even possible.

I sit here in my room, the tips of my fingers are in total pain because of my new guitar and the strings are just destroying my hands, and have been for the last week since I got the thing. My family is down stairs watching tv, you know that box that feeds you information and entertainment all day long. Full of advertisements of shitty companies getting you to buy their shitty ass products. OH AXE DEODORANT, SHIT WILL MAKE YOU HAVE 500 GIRLs ON YOU, when you go to the store. Haha, bullshit. Axe is the nastiest smelling spray around, it's only $7.00 a can and the only reason I ever bought it and used it was for a emergency air freshener after I had been smoking weed in my room, and didn't want my mom to find out (which she never did). Anyways I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hate about 95% of the crap played on the tv, and think it's pretty much just all brainwash material, to be specific MTV's reality shows. Life really isn't like what they play on their shows, in so many ways it's really not, but I won't get specific on which shows.

Just got a call from manton. Random calls from friends are always legit. >V

Anyways I wrecked havoc this weekend. It was like 10:00pm at night and we were going to rent a momo, shady I know, but I was just along for the ride, and I wasn't paying anyways and we had a gang of beer, so I figured why not? We pull into the the momo parking lot, and what do you know... fucking party going off on the top floor. So we park the car and all get out, by this time most of us have had a few beers in us and I could tell that my friends were buzzin just as much as I was. So naturally I grab the beer and cruise upstairs, not a few moments later and everyone is right on my tail following behind. I walk right into the middle of the party and start mingling with anyone I can just to make everyone comfortable with everyone I'm with, definatly didn't want to cause any tension even though we would have probably taken out anyone at this party at the drop of a dime (meaning we had about 7 guys just ready to fuck shit up lol). Really were just that cool.

STK they call the crew, and they were terrorizing the joint all night. We've been in the momo for a while now and I don't even know how much time has passed, I look around in a drunkard daze and stop my self for a second just to observe all my friends and everyone else. Everyones laughing and enjoying themselves, I see people with there girlfriends close to them, and I see guys sitting on each other's laps. I was really confused by the later part but non-the-less I figured I should get back to my friends and the laughs that we were yet to have.

Next thing I know Joe is running out of the other room, "bro, someone pissed all over the bed." He says semi-loud with a drunken stupor about him. "what the fuck..." I think to my self, how immature to destory the property of this motel that's just trying to make some money, living the American dream. But you know what I was drunk too so that thought quickly left me. Time passes and I find myself in the room with the urine covered bed and I see ash all over the tables, beer bottles, toilet paper, and Ketner pouring his bottle full of piss into the cieling light in the middle of the room.

The bottle of pee is pourned in, and next thing I hear is the sound of a bunch of drunks hootin' and hollaring "OOHHHH" because the light burned out from the liquid. There's no way that light burned out from that, I turn around and find the light switch, flip it on, and the lights go back on. Some sneaky fucker turned off the lights and tricked everyone in the room. Who it was, I'll never know, not that it even really matters. Ok, so there's piss in the light and the room is pretty much fucked as it is, oh wait there piss coming in the window. Literally, piss is flooding in the window, the cuirtans are pulled so I can't see who it is, but I heard the unmistakable 5150 laugh of no one other than lawrence... only he would do something so foolish. I mean seriously who pisses through a window into a room. haha.

OK so now the room is obviously fucked, what else could happen. I see someone running, and then he jumps onto the bed. Holy shit he's flying in the air, he looks like Michael Jordan going for the slam, BOOM the cieling light shatters into a thousand pieces. Are you fucking kidding me? That was the single most fucked up but most awsome thing I've seen in a long time. That was about the end of it, after that everyone pretty much left the room, but only because there was really nothing left to destroy but maybe the T.V., and I think most people had enough respect to at least not completely annihlate that too.

Long story short the night ends with a lighbulb in the microwave from some asians that finally were catching onto the apocalytrend. I make it home to bed safely. I wake up sometime in the late afternoon, my head throbbing and my eyes heavy. My finger aches and my arm is sore, I feel like I got punched in the arm a dozen times and my finger is still bleeding. I think to my self "what the hell happened last night". My sister comes in a while later ask's me if I want to go to the horse races with her, "No thank you, I think I need to take it easy today" I grumble.


That night was insane, one I will probably remember for a long time. I wish I could consolidate my writing more, but I guess I'll just have to work on that with time.

The next night is alittle more relaxed, but just as enthralling. Rocco, Ketner, and myself pull into the Del Taco parking lot. We all notice right away, like holy shit there's a car full of girls... and were the only other guys in the parking lot.

These girls are staring us down like we did something. But we didn't we just pulled in to the parking place. Ket runs inside to use the bathroom while Rocco and I sit back and play eye tag with these girls. It's so obvious they are staring at us, but we wern't avoiding eye contact with them all that well either. Next thing I know there's a car full of girls next to us, talking to Rocco and I. Ket comes outside, and I think he almost shat a brick. I think he really couldn't believe what he was seeing.

These girls were all really calm, but I couldn't believe they had the 'balls' to come up and instigate a conversation with us, I think I was in more disbelief than anything. We find out these girls went to Newport Harbor, and were really just looking for something or on there way to a movie, I'm still not sure what there goal really was. But regardless we ended up hanging out with them the entire night, and actually had a pretty good time, from driving around aimlessly rattling the whole neighbor hood with Ketners subs, to drinking beer in a men's bathroom at some random club house pool in the middle of Corona Del Mar somewhere.

I'm yawning and feeling sleepy, but I really want to say there was this one brunette that really caught my attention that night. She was extremely sincere and cute, all the while being suprisingly funny for someone her age, which I don't come by often, like AT all. Oh yea she swallowed like 3 packs of hot sauce, when I couldn't barely take a few drops.... she showed me up, I was actually a bit embarassed for it. Vivian if your read this, you rock :]

anyways, I'm fucking exhausted from this weekend. Time to catch some shut eye... hope I wasn't to boring. Next time I really wont try to write as much, lol.

Oh yea ket, that using that fire extinguisher was soooo not cool man, watch out for FBI. xD

Finally

I created my own blog, obviously. But now I can finally start writing down my thoughts, not that I don't already. But I actually have a safe place on the internet for it. I'd like to say my blog will be interesting in the least, but somehow I feel that may not be plausible.

Let's just start out with saying thank you, if you take the time to read about my life. I love you, and we are friends. Just kidding love is a strong word, and normally would only save it for 'that special someone' but I use the term loosely.

So in a blog you write about life and well, what ever I want so here it goes.

Working on Christmas Eve and Christmas isn't always the most joyous situation to behold, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do (so cliche, but true). I made some not so smart decisions in my past and some things that I really, really regret. But I'm learning from those mistakes, and will continue to do so all the way till this July. Working community service for the next 1,500 hours. Yes I typed that correctly. I'm learning my lesson, and going to try to stay away from the legal system to the best of my ability, bluntly said but I don't want to go back to jail, ever. So for now, my only escape is in my writing.

Enough of the bullshit, I'm sure I began to bore you with the legal/personal talk. But I do have some good stories that happen often, working with criminals doing the comm. serv. that is.

Monday this CST (correctional service technician) that I've known since I started and has always been a bit of a deuchbag gave me an entertaining few hours. I'm minding my own business cleaning the windows in the lobby around all the deputies, Ruiz is the CST's name BTW and he calls me over to where he is, telling me to put my stuff down. He asks me what's in my pocket, and I tell him nothing. He ends up having the deputy search me and of course, find nothing. OK, so he thought I had something in my pocket, oh well. But no he's not done with me, he asks me to go and sit down to have a talk with me.

I sit down and he tells me how I've been lackidazical the last week or so and how the other deputies agree with me. This guy is full of it and I can see right through his bullshit, I know the deputies never said anything about me, and he's just saying this to get the upper hand; a phsycotic liar if you will. I know he's bullshitting because I haven't even seen Ruiz in over 2 weeks, and the deputies don't give a fuck, they really don't. He's just a wanna be deputy, and couldn't pass the test because he's colorblind from what I found out by talking to him earlier in the work program. OK, I understand he's bitter about his job and life, but it's fucking Christmas in 3 days and he's being a fucking scrooge, it all started in the morning with people coming in 2 minutes late. His ego is larger than mount fuckwad from what I can tell.

Anyways long story short, I'm pushing a cleaning supply cart (funny I know) out of the gym, and the rest of the crew about 10 other people are waiting for me to get through the door with Ruiz holding it open waiting for me. This was all after the pat down this morning. Well, I push the cart through the door and over the bump and the dirty grimey dust mop falls right in his fucking face, and it gets all in his mouth because he starts to spit violently. By this time everyone is chuckling to them selves and the other white kid makes a comment, didn't we just mop up the piss in the bathroom with that. HAHAH I SHIT YOU NOT. This mop so fucking dirty and old and covered with nasty ass hair and who knows what else.

OMG he was so pissed at me, but he clearly could tell it wasn't on purpose. He brushed him self off and cursed at me for the next 10 minutes. Even told me that he hopes lightning strikes me down. LOL LIGHTING.

Man I really guess what goes around comes around. Karma? What's cool is he actually ended up letting us go 20 minutes early that day, and that never happens. I think he had a change of heart after that, and he didn't give me anymore shit after that for the rest of the day. I think he was embarassed.

OK, time to shower and get ready for bed. I gotta get back at it tomorrow, Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas-eve