Life in general

It's monday night, whoo hoo. The end of another eventful weekend I guess you could say. I saw kids fight, and saw the aftermath of a kid getting his head smashed through the del taco window. I saw the most drama I've seen all year with some immature girl, which could have been completely avoided if the girl wasn't such a drama kook. Some people are just wandering lost in theirs, sometimes you wonder if anyone is home. Arie broke up with that girl, told her to take a hike... thank god she was oblivious.

We were at her hotel room and kids wanted to fight because of her, supposedly her x boyfriend. Which I ask, how the fuck did her x-bf find out she was staying at the momo with her new boyfriend and having a party whom is from placentia. Obviously someone called them. I guess he came and smashed some people faces in, pretty retarded degenerate cave man shit if you ask me, I guess they did it for no reason really but to act tuff. What's funny is at the end of the night there's 2 kids there who claim to not be friends with the kids but just know them. Well we tell them were going to jack in the box, and later we find out they came to jack in the box looking for us. WHY THEY CAME looking for us, I have no fucking clue that's beyond my understanding... I thought the kids we were talking to were legit, but they were just as shady as anyone else... it figures tho. Good thing we went to Del Taco.

I don't know how some people survive on this earth, how some people don't just get run over by cars or are even able to drive a car without crashing. Mindless saps and wanna be posers, try hard thugs, and lost souls. I could help guide these people, but I don't think they can be saved. Too many comin off the deep end, with a steady stream of shallow, we all drop some day I'll drop but untill then I'ma stay on top of heads like a bald spot (credit to slug for that one)

I going to write 10 quirky qualities I desire in a women just for the hell of it because I've been meeting allot of girls lately and I want to try and maybe get my priorities straight so I'm not just on a blind wild goose chase. (but really they're the ones chasing me :p)

note order doesn't particularly mean preference

1. BRUNETTE <3>

2. smart /intelligent (common sense preferably)

3. nice skin complexion smooth olivey

4. blue/green eyes

5. nice hands/ legs

6. long hair xD (Short hair if done right, or on the right girl)

7. good sense of humor, is able to laugh with me)

8. isn't afraid to go after what they want (even though 99% are)

9. has a job or goes to school ( no bums please)

10. family presence in their lives ( at least get along with their family. Also saying this because I have a good family and would want ours to get along)

11. from a foreign country (bonus points+++ had to add that one)

yea so that would like be ideal but I really doubt I'll run into a girl like this any time soon. One day I know I can find someone like this, but until then I'll stick with this steady stream of girls and enjoying being single.

 "you girl's are definitely the coolest girls I've met.... in the last 30 seconds" (credit to sinn for that one)

hahaha that one's funny

anyways I'm tired and I got farking work tomorrow, sweet!!!!11!1!!1!!!!! gnight

word of the night/day: Condescending (fucking love this word even though I don't like to act it)

Get these thoughts out my head

These thoughts have been repeatedly playing through my head many times today. I didn't know at first why I was thinking these things, but later I started to piece together the puzzle. "We're all alive, we're all gonna die". That single statement is so powerful and says so many things.

Here today gone tomorrow as some would say, life is only so long. You have one short here on earth and we're all alive, and we're all gonna die. It's inevitable, it's entropy, to some it's unbelievable. Not being able to accept the fact that were gonna die one day is a topic that many people I think chose to avoid out of fear. I think some people just think were all gonna live for eternity, that were gonna invent some super pill that we take and then we live for ever. Doubtful? Highly. Possible? Yes. I would more be willing to believe that if we ever do have a pill like this, or something of the likes that it will just extend our lives to maybe 125-150 years of age. I don't think I would really even want to live past then, I mean our minds begin to deteriorate as we grow older, so unless we can fix that problem, as well as being able to rejuvenate our bodies because think about it, your body is going to be so old and shot out by the time you probably even get to 100. Your bones ache and your back hurts, your vision starts to go, and your smell and taste is never as good as it used to be. I'm just saying growing that old sucks.

Back to death, I think many kids just are stuck in the delusion that they will never die, many adults even. Or they know they're going to die, but they're just not going to worry about it now. Sure, I'm not saying worry about it but what I am saying is we only have one life so live it to the fullest. 

Love everything you do, and do nothing half heartedly, be what you speak, don't speak on what you be. ( borrowed from alias, I think it was, and I fucked the quote up last time so I'm doing it some justice.)

We have one shot on this earth, so hoping to be someone else won't get you anywhere. You gotta make your self, live every day to the fullest, and have faith in yourself. Because one day we're all going to be gone, how do you want to be remembered... if at all. All I know is that if I put 110% effort into everything I do every day, have to regrets for the things that I didn't do, and make the most out of everything I can die a happy man. Many people die, are going to die, and have died, not that I care about their sagas but many of them lived their lives so plain, thinking they were doing the right thing (or lack of thinking). I know I don't want to be one of those people, I'm going to be the person that went after all the girls I wanted, wasn't afraid to go after the things I wanted, and wasn't afraid to try to make money the way I wanted to make money by working the jobs I wanted. I'm also not going to be the one that held back what he had to say for fear of others, but I will try to keep these dark thoughts I have locked in my head, because no one wants to hear those.... Dark thoughts, in the terms of atmosphere. Haha my only dark thoughts are thinking how stupid someone is or how much better someone could do something... in other words negative judgments are my dark thoughts. And I believe negative judgement, when being serious is never a good thing... and that's something I've been working on lately.

Anyways, just a fuckload of mumbo jumbo, but I needed to get these fucking thoughts out of my head and on paper... you know make sense of some things. "We're all alive, we're all gonna die" Now that's a fucking scary ass thought.

 LIVE YOUR LIFE. L-O-V-E-L-I-F-E.

Eloquent Nobility

"Row Row Row your boat, gentley down the stream, merilly merilly merilly merilly life is but a sinking feeling." -Slug

I think slug layed it out nicely. Life is a sinking feeling, we're always sinking deeper and deeper into our lives, and we never feel the same as our thoughts are expanded while we sink deeper and deeper into the future. Just make sure you row your boat gentley and merilly down the stream.

Our minds are our worlds, we perceive everything through our senses and process it in our minds to make us understand the way the world works to us. Everyone has a different outlook on the world, no one sees it the same. I try my best to see it the same way as other people, but sometimes I feel like the way other people see it is flawed and simple. I don't know, I guess I would just like people more if they all thought the same way as me. But not everyone does, so I'm going to keep rowing my boat gently down the stream.

I try not to judge people because I feel like it's not the right thing to do. It makes people feel indifferent about you and I really just try not to do it. I am a very open person, and I guess that's why I see things differently then alot of people. I take into account everyones personalities and try to understand the way everyone is, whether they are funny, smart, creative, dumb, outgoing, aggressive, passive, or quiet. I always try to see the other persons side of things. Well at least I used to. The problem with that is you don't end up really living your own life, you just live your life through the others by the way you see them do things. You
re always just passive and never act on your own emotions and thoughts. As I grow older I start to care less about what other people think, moreover what they think about me, and just live my life the way it should be lived. Gently down the stream, merrily- -merrily - life is but a dream.

I don't have anything to prove to anyone, I don't have to act super cool to feel special or liked, I don't have to act on what I be, but be what I act (credit to sole for that). I know I shouldn't care what the fuck these people think, so I won't. I'm still a big one on caring what others think because I want them to see me be this super cool person or something but who doesn't. I know that's not how I should be, I know alot of people probably do live up to that standard always trying to prove them selves. But you know what, fuck that. Fuck trying to prove myself. I don't have to prove shit, as long as I know what I'm doing and where I'm going in life I know I'm good, in fact I'm great... but there holds another problem. We don't always know what to do, let alone where to go. Life is a plan, and we don't always have the clearest cut plan that we would all like to have and stick too.

So as I finish pondering these things on paper, I leave myself with one question. What is the meaning of life?

They call him El Topo

Not gonna get so philosophical on your ass today. Not really feeling in the mood for it right now. My days have been long, nights I've been awake till late, and mornings I have risen early. It sucks having to work everyday for no pay, it really fucking does. The worst part about it is the hours, having to wake up early and go to bed and work monday-friday. It really drags me down, and sucks the life out of me nearly every day, some days better than others... normally the better ones after I get a good solid 7 hours of sleep, in fact I need to go to bed like right now if I'm going to get that solid sleep I need because it's really starting to wear down on me and I'm tired of waking up tired.

I try to stay positive, looking at the other side of things like I could be in jail but then all I can see is the negative like I could be done with all this shit sooner if I was in jail, but then I look at the positive again thinking of all the things I couldn't have done if I was locked up for the last 3 1/2 months. What it really comes down to is that being free is so much better than not. I have to remind myself of that, especially on the harder days that I just feel like giving up but know I can't.

I'm going to see alot of people come and go at my work program, I already have seen 5 different people go in just the last 2 weeks. I wonder how many people I will see come and go in the next 7 months...?

Oh yea and I registered for a single english course at Santiago Canyon College. Can't wait to start that and maybe meet some new people, especially girls. And hang out with people other than criminals that have criminal mind states and negative attitudes, or just people that are plain fucking crazy, like we've nick named this guy 'gone for good' at work, and everyone laughs because it fits him pretty well. It's sad, but the guy is literally crazy and I think he knows it too. Anyways my mind is wandering, and I can't wait to start school and move on with my life. I bet there will be cute girls in my class too, if not just around campus.

Goal for feburary (starting early): do 15 approaches

Thanks for reading, peace.

A mortal man, lashed hands and a bleeding heart

Hate is such a powerful word, when compared to love. Like Heaven and Hell or Good and Evil. Opposites as far apart as they can get. Is it so simple to Love? Is it so difficult to Hate?

Love to Hate.
Hate to Love.

It seems to me that the most dominate word is Hate, but maybe that's just based on my perceptions and upbringing in this world. I dislike to hate, but sometimes catch my self doing it all to often. It's so simple to hate, I see it all the time. It takes nothing to hate or say something disheartening to another person. But it takes so much more to give love. When we love we actually have to give something up with in us, something that we hold onto tightly, our emotions. Our emotions are sacred, and another person being given insight into what we're truley feel can sound frightening. Emotions become unrecognizably apparent when we tell someone something somewhere, out of love. But what is it to give hate, it is a seemingly thoughtless act that spawns out of our own pride. Are we so much better than the next man, or are men all on different levels where some can barley even relate?

I see it all the time at my work, and at this new place I see it all to often. I see people putting others down, none to be reminded of their own short comings. Being hipocritical about hate is something not everyone sees. It's in every one, people hate on others but don't expect it to happen to them selves, and then get angered when it does. They never think that maybe it wouldn't happen if they wern't the ones pressing hate onto others in the first place.

I know I am guilty of these things but the least I can do is be aware of it try to improve myself and just be friendly because then maybe people might just turn a smile your way.

She's Hot and Cold

Just threw on some Lil Wayne to get my head in tune, it's been wandering all day.

I'm just gonna throw this out there but life is like a bowl of fucking spaghetti and meat balls, you try to eat the god damn spaghetti but the noodles are flapping around in your face smacking you in the cheeks, and you never really know the correct way to eat it, wondering if people are looking at you when you decide to somewhat slyly slurp that single noodle in your mouth and you always question your self about the meat balls like "should I save these meatballs for the end or like mix it up while I eat the pasta". I think that's what you call a metaphor or maybe it's an analogy... I'm not sure.

"Two words you never hear, Wayne Quit." Fuck that's so true to how I feel right now. My life is going through the most intense transformation that I could have never imagined in a billion years. Things are so out of control that I feel like I could speak for hours, but I'll save myself time as well as yours. I'm trying to find a balance, I'm not insane in fact I think I'm kinda rational (credit to Slug for that one).

Today was pretty off the wall as the days have been going lately. Alot of crazy people at my job site (by the way for those that didn't know I got switched to this deputy training academy on the tustin marine base, brand spanking new building it's super nice not to mention all the ACT 'arrest control technique' officers walking around looking like they're going to kick your ass at any given moment, but I digress) and they often times choose to bicker at each other, or talk shit on one another and just laugh like it's all good. I personally dislike at least 50% of the people at my work, but I'm stuck at this place for a while so I gotta hang tight....

Were washing cars today; cop cars; mock run away vehicles, the usual unmarked crown victorias. I'm like sitting in the car fighting with this mexican dude over the radio... I'm switching it off his mariachi music to something like some hip-hop or nirvana on KROQ or like he'll switch it back and then I'll just turn the music down. This must have gone on for a good 10 minutes like this, oh and it wasn't all with the same car, so were switching cars and doing this in every car we come through. Fucking guy, but he's probably saying the same about me.

Were allowed to drive the cars to back them up after we wash them and this is only my second day granted, so I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. There's so many people and so much going on that if you stop for even a second your going to miss something, and I'm one of those people that never try's to miss a good laugh.

The next thing I know the mexican guy, he always says "oh chit man" or "you fucking guy man" but anyways I hear the sheriff's car start and I see this guy in the drivers seat backing the car up, but he didn't just back it up he like slams on the fucking gas pedal... but the cars engine sputters and stalls for a second so he kind of just floats for a second before the engine catches and you just see his head jerk forward and the tires skid out.... was some funny ass shit I'll tell you what... Later on this guy is driving some other cars and pretty much doing fucking donuts in the parking lot on the wet pavement with these cop cars.

The day ends well, usually they keep the new guy after but for some reason he told me I was lucky and I didn't have to stay after... I think I broke the tradition, because EVERYONE was telling me I was going to have to stay after. I must just be special or rubbed this guy the right way, I dunno. Oh yea we got let out of work 1 hour and a half early. Shit was so cash.

7 more months of this stuff, I don't think I'll ever really truly enjoy going... but I'm gonna do my best to strap up and go to work as well as learn to deal with all these crazy people every day. The funny thing about my work is the one thing I hear most from these people when they make comments about someone else is, "what the fuck is this guy talking about" hahahaha And I'm always the one off to the side just putting my face to my palm and just shaking my head because I'm not really sure if I even understand most of these guys either.

Life

is

Crazy

Anyway my sister seems like she needs to use the computer, so I'ma bounce for now. Thanks for reading. Peace.

Monkey Ninjas

"if you hesitate, you've already lost" - Jay-z

So this weekend is just too much to write about, and nothing that great even really happened. It was just filled with boring ideas and uninspiration/unoriginal nights. But maybe I'm just being negative. It would be cool if I was 21 and could go to clubs and meet some people, but unfortunately I'm stuck with my age and I'm getting older only so quickly.

We end up shooting over to the local hang out, which in our case is this lan center (yes it is probably what you think it is) and get in on a few challenging and feuding matches of DOTA. I'm teaming up with some random kind, who btw was actually chill as fuck for seeming to be such a nerd. We end up dominating rocco and ket the first game, and rocco leaves the game not accepting his defeat. He seriously can't understand that he lost, I really think it's not programmed in him to accept things like that. So we rematch, and were kicking his ass again (the so called dota champion) and of course the kid I'm playing with runs out of time and has no more money. So again we kick his ass, but can't finish, and once again doesn't accept his loss. It's ok we will just have to have the final show down in the future >.>.

After we have some fun playing a few more games of dota and talking mad shit on some little kids, which by the way has become a game for us, we decide to leave. By now we still have nothing figured out to do. I really think it was just because everyone was either tired out after the new years or we were just completely missing out on something. I prefer to believe the former.

We cruse around town bumping with kets subs, being a major heat score. Of course this is what you call obvious forshadowing... but we get to 17th st and ket decides to go left from newport. Well now were half way across the solid white line and halfway in the go-straight lane waiting for the light to change.

Well sure enough a cop pulls up right next to us in the straight lane, and gives us that typical what-the-fuck-do-you-think-your-doing cop look. Oh man we were shitting bricks, but the only thing we could think of doing was cracking some jokes and laughing alittle bit. Rocco was freaking out because we were laughing, but I thought it was really funny that he was trying to be so serious. All it really did was probably just make us look like less of a bust by acting more natural.

We make it to kets house, chill out for a little, go pick on mongrel from antons, and pretty much call it a night. It would be cool if we could hang out with some girls more than just once every week instead of just straight dick, but I guess maybe in time.

New Years

Wow, what a year. I can't believe how much has happened in the last year alone, it seems to have gone by so fast. I've been through some of the hardest times of my life in 2008, and thankfully the worst is over but life is still throwing curve balls at me like no other.

My resolution this year, 2009, was to work on being a better person, exercise more, and stop smoking. So far the former hasn't gone so well.

I woke up this morning, yes another one of those hungover,  hazy, and amazingly delirious mornings where my head was throbbing much more than usual. I had burns on my face, arms, and legs. My nose is sure to be broken and my nose has blood slowly trickling down my face, still. I know I hurt the kid last night, I feel bad I don't know what I was thinking. I could have killed him...

My temples are pulsing, and the inside of my mouth has a huge gash. Way to start off my resolution of becoming a better person this year. FUCK. Why did I have to get in a fight? It was about respect, something I felt like I didn't have much of. Seriously, did I just write that? Sounds like a bunch of trivial bullshit to me really. But, It's funny how something so superficial can be such a overwhelming factor in life. The worse part of it all is I probably lost more respect from some people than I gained from others. I know some people think completely different of me, and it really sucks because that's not who-I-am. My family is who I feel the worst about, I don't know how I can make this up to them except by learning from my experiences. They say an idiot learns from his own experiences, but a genius learns from others. I guess I'm the idiot in this case.

As I sit here writing, trying to convey all my emotions I'm in pain. Not physical pain, but pain in that huge muscle in your chest, you know the one that pumps all the blood through your body?Not to mention the fucking mental strain of it all.

 So many different things are pressing on me; friends, family, girls, random people?... I affect so many people with my decisions and the outcome in the recent has been far from commendable. And the crazy thing is it has nothing to do with words, but rather just my actions. My actions speak louder than my words, and I really don't think you can even hear what I'm saying.

Be responsible, life is only so long and you don't want to spend it in regret. Live strong, laugh a lot, and build your relationships, because all we have in life is each other and if you can't hold onto what you got..... then what do you have.

I want to start the new year over again, and take back everything. But all I can do now is just try to be a better person from here on out.

Happy New Year.